...but then one little thing will happen and I feel like maybe I'm not getting it all wrong...
It was a snow day so Evan stayed home with his dad while I went to work. Ryan got called to work shortly after so he had to bring Evan to me. He hung out with me in my office while I answered emails and phone calls, caught up on paperwork, etc. Finally it came time to go home.
I had promised Evan we would put together a new Lego set and when he was ready to get started on it, I was getting started on dinner. I had him set up at the kitchen table and told him I'd help him as he needed. Once dinner was done, he wasn't done with the Lego thing yet so I had him come over to the bar to eat. We finished dinner and I cleaned up and by the time I was done, my brain was ready to turn off and watch something mindlessly. Evan watched videos on my phone while I watched TV and before I knew it, it was time for bed.
"No! I don't want to go to bed. I'm hungry. Can I have a snack?"
We argued about this for a few minutes because he had had two big helpings for dinner and I knew this was only a tactic to keep from going to bed. He retires to just wanting a drink and goes into the kitchen offering to get it for himself and heads to bed. I had this "mom feeling" that water wasn't the only thing he took to bed so I hollered for him to come back in and questioned what he took with him. Before coming out and telling me the truth he insisted he didn't have anything but finally fessed up to having sneaked some candy in his pockets.
Its funny - when I tell him he's grounded, he really isn't because hes five and has no friends that he goes to see nor does he have plans to cancel on or anything like that. But to him the word "grounded" is the worst punishment ever. I've found that even though he really has no idea what being grounded even is, the thought of being in trouble or being sent to his room "grounded" is enough punishment.
A few minutes later after being sent to his room, I can hear him crying. I go in to talk to him and we talk about lying and being sneaky and how mommy's always know those things and I think we're good but he's still really sad. I ask him if he has anything else on his mind and the flood gates open...
He goes on about how we never play with him and are always on our phones or watching our shows on TV and sometimes we'll play with him but never for very long and we go back to what we were doing and on and on. As I'm listening I'm thinking about all of the things I have to do on a daily basis, with my husband being gone as often as he is for work, all of the animals I have to feed and clean up after, the household chores, bills that need paid, accounts that need balanced. But I don't want to burden his little mind with those things and most of all I don't want him to think that his feelings aren't valid or heard. I do my best to console him and make him feel heard and understood because he is right. I tell him that he has every right to feel that way and that mommy will try to be better.
He calms down after getting those things off his mind and I pull him into my lap and give him a tight hug. I tuck him into bed and kiss him goodnight and close the door behind me. As I'm running through my mind everything he said and thinking about all the ways I fail him daily, I walk into the dining room and realize that we never finished his Lego. It really tugged on my heart so I sit down and follow the instructions step by step, finishing the truck and helicopter, as he had already finished the trailer. I thought how happy he'd be to see it done and decided I didn't want to wait until morning for him to see it so I head to his room to have him come look.
As I get to his door, I hear music. I crack it open and it's KLove, our local christian radio station. He's sound asleep but I realize that after I tucked him in and left, he asked his Alexa to turn it on. Maybe it seems like such a little thing to you but to me, it was everything. Out of all the music he could have played, he chose christian music. My heart melted. If I've done anything right, it's raising him to love and worship Jesus. He sings along with me in the car and every time I turn it on through our Alexa in the kitchen.
He's following an example I didn't even realize I was making.
I woke him up and hugged him tight, then took him out to see what I had finished and he flashed me the biggest smile. When I tucked him back in bed the look on his face was peaceful and he went right to sleep. I let Klove play all night. Of course when he woke up in the morning he had no recollection of me waking him up to show him the finished Legos, but I will always remember that moment.
It' so easy to get caught up in the things that need done and after a busy day just want to sit down and do nothing - but I never want my child to feel like we'd rather do something else than play with him. I hate that he even had those thoughts but I am so glad that he felt like he could talk to me about his feelings and I hope he always feels that way. For only being five, he has such big boy thoughts and feelings and I am so proud to be his mommy. Logically I know that I'm a very good mom and I devote most of my time to my child but when he feels something, its big to him and I need to not be so quick to beat myself up about it. Its natural to worry about whether you're doing "this or that" enough as a parent but I'm here to tell you,
you're doing a good job momma.
