Have you ever known someone who was trying to have a baby and it just wasn’t happening for them?
My husband and I are an example of people trying for a child with no success. We started trying in March of 2010. After spending all of our relationship preventing pregnancy, we thought actually getting pregnant would be a piece of cake. After the first month of it not happening, I won’t lie - we were a little relieved. Although we knew we were ready for a baby, we wanted a couple of ‘practice runs’ before it actually happened, a little time to get mentally prepared if you will. Then three months went by and I’m thinking “Okay, what are we not doing right?” So I went out and bought books about getting pregnant and the best positions, food to eat and vitamins to take. Still nothing. One thing we didn’t do was ovulation tests, even though we were ‘trying’ we still wanted it to happen ‘on its own’. We didn’t want to schedule the pregnancy. Seven months goes by and Ryan was offered a new job. He had to go away for training for six weeks. If we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying, by the time he left for training I would have had a newborn to take care of by myself. “Okay…”, I thought “God knows what he’s doing.” At one of my normal gyno appointments (this was month 3 of trying) I told my doctor about us trying for a baby, she said they didn’t worry until we had been trying a year with no success.
Fast forward, the dreaded year mark comes. At this time I am convinced something was wrong with me. After days of calling and then hanging up when they answered, I actually made the appointment. While on the phone, they were telling me all the possible reasons why it may not be happening and at that point I was just overwhelmed. I had read all my books, I knew what to expect but hearing it was different for some reason. They transferred me to the billing department, when the lady answered I told her I wasn’t sure why they had transferred me to her and she said it was to make sure my insurance covered infertility. Infertility? No one had said anything about me being infertile. That never even entered my mind until that moment. My stomach dropped and I started choking back tears while trying to give her my information. I went and did all the tests they make you do, peed in about five different cups, had three people meet my lady downstairs and after all that we find out I’m fine. Nothings wrong with me. I should have been happy, right? I thought I would be, but I had more questions in the end than I did in the beginning.
It came time to test Ryan. If I wasn’t the problem he is half the equation, what if he had something wrong with him? The night before he went to do the test he asked me if I would still love him if he were the problem. I cried. I told him there was no way I could ever stop loving him nor would I resent him if there were something wrong with him. We would get it fixed, easy as that, the same if it were me. We got his results back and he was fine too. So…now what? I always told myself I would be okay with it not happening as long as I knew there wasn’t a problem. Well here we were, no problems, and I still couldn’t make myself be okay with it not happening.
Here comes the bitterness. I cried every time I got my period, every time some one I knew got pregnant, every time I saw a diaper commercial. I was a mess. I couldn’t bring myself to congratulate people and if I did it wasn’t sincere. I knew it was mean and I knew I was bitter but for some reason being angry about it helped me process some of those emotions. I had to let myself get angry. Talking to people about it had the same effect, sometimes people had gone through the same thing or people would try to offer kind words or words of encouragement. But a lot of people said the two things that I did not want to hear…
- “Just stop trying; it’ll happen”
- “It must not be meant to be right now”
One, don’t tell me to stop trying when its all I can think about. You can’t just tell a smoker or a gambler to quit their habit. They have to decide on their own to quit and then figure out how they are going to do so. Everyone deals with things in their own way and in their own time. In my mind if we stopped trying we were giving up. I did not want to give up. I had to come to terms with it before I could make the decision to stop trying and really be okay with it.
And two, the worse thing to say to me was “It must not be meant to be right now.” Meant to be? When I was being told this I wasn’t hearing it in the nice way in which I’m sure it was intended, I was hearing “Your not meant to have a baby.” I was already fighting thoughts of my own like, “Maybe God doesn’t think I’ll be a good mother…Maybe I’ll mess my child up…Maybe I’m not really meant to have a baby - ever.” All I could think about were these people getting pregnant without even trying or from one night stands. Some of which don’t have jobs or their own place to live or even a car to take them places. People who can barely support themselves let alone another human being. They can have babies and I cant? I have my life together; we make good money, have a nice roof over our heads and cars to drive. Why not me??
Are you thinking.. “What makes her think she’s better than anyone else, where does she get off sitting on her high horse?” Yeah, me too. This attitude was one that I had up until about 2 months ago. One thing that I didn’t mention was that the entire year and a half total that we’ve been trying, I prayed to God about it all of the time. The reason I didn’t mention this was because if I had said that while telling my story, you wouldn’t have believed me. It didn’t show in my actions, thoughts or feelings. Yes, I was praying but I was so focused on what I wanted I failed to realize that its not just about me.
I was sitting in church one Sunday morning. I always listen to our preacher and take notes on things that hit home. What he touched on that morning really touched on my heart. It hit the nail on the head and all of a sudden things were put into perspective, just from a little bible verse.
James 4:4-5
You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.
God spoke to me that day. I was asking with wrong intentions. I was putting my own ‘pleasures’ ahead of everything else in my life. I wasn‘t praying for patience or guidance or even giving him the opportunity to speak to me sooner. That day, I decided I was leaving it in the Lords hands and when it does happen, whether it be next month or three years from now, that baby will be a true gift from God. One that is appreciated and the most loved and cherished child in the world.
