Sometimes that is a weird thing to say. Or an awkward thing about yourself to tell someone. But there it is. I have anxiety. And looking back, I think it's something I have dealt with my entire life. Being a little girl, I would work myself up into a doubled over stomach ache about the littlest things. I think one of my most used phrases was "I don't feel good." And I didn't, but I didn't know how to explain it so feeling it in my stomach (which I now know was nerves) I would always complain of my stomach hurting. To the point that my mom and dad would take me to many appointments trying to figure out what was going on with me. I even remember getting x-rays on my abdomen seeing if I had blockages or other issues.
Looking back - that was my anxiety. I grew up in the nineties, cell phones weren't even a thing until I was a freshman in high school so I can only imagine that mental health awareness wasn't what it is today. I remember in grade school mentally walking through my routines every morning, knowing exactly which staircase and which hallway to take and how many doors before entering my classroom door so that I wouldn't get lost or walk into the wrong classroom. Because even though I had done it successfully a hundred times before, there was still that chance.
I couldn't take the bus because the worry of not knowing where I would get a seat and if I would be able to get out of my seat over the other kids and to the front of the bus at my stop before the bus driver started pulling away kept me from giving it a serious try.
In preschool, one of my earliest memories of terror, a little girl told me I was cute and she was going to take me home with her. It totally freaked me out and my mom said I cried everyday when she dropped me off, clear until I was in the second grade. I didn't know until I was older that my kindergarten and first grade teachers called her every day to tell her how I was doing.
As I grew up, I think I created my own coping mechanisms without even knowing I was doing it. I feel that while I over worried about a lot, my anxiety quieted down in my teen years and even into my early twenties. It wasn't until I became a mother that it really came back with a vengeance. I was shopping with my son in a retail store and this overwhelming feeling of dread came over me. Logically I knew there was nothing wrong, but I couldn't shake it and the feeling that the walls were closing in on me wouldn't go away. I couldn't take a deep breath. I didn't even think, I just ditched my cart and grabbed my sons hand. We barely made it to the car when I started dry heaving. I was having a panic attack. Completely unprovoked. I had had it happen to me before, not so out of the blue or severe, but it didn't click with me until that moment that that's what they were - panic attacks.
I have a wonderful support system in my parents and openly talked about what I was experiencing.In talking to my father-in-law, who is also my doctor, told me there's no doubt - I have anxiety. We tried a few different things and I ended up on some medicine for anxiety. That worked for a while and I was really able to self-reflect in that time of no anxiety and figure out what my triggers were and what made me feel better at the same time. I ended up eliminating some extra activities I had taken on, setting up boundaries in my main job, and backing away from relationships with certain acquaintances and even certain family members and situations that triggered my anxieties. Spending time in prayer and focusing on the Lord and the blessings in my life were the biggest aide. Retraining my brain to find the good instead of the bad, to focus on what I CAN control instead of wasting worry on things that I cannot.
I was able to wean myself off of my medicine completely, due to the side affect of weight gain and the lack of any normal emotions let alone the high and low, I knew it was time. It was easier than I thought it was going to be and going into it knowing what I needed to feel peace and how to find that feeling of peace when I needed to truly helped. I still struggle daily. But the boundaries and my mindset remain strong and I know when I need to take a step back, take a breath, and move on or - let go and let God.
If you have anxiety I urge you to talk about it. Reach out to those close to you or comment here, even! We all have different stories but we can support each other through it. <3
